June 20th, Things I wonder

I sometimes wonder ‘What the fuck? How is this possible!?!’

Right now is how the hell anyone survived in Africa where all those kids are starving and getting eaten by flies? When was it that suddenly an indiginous people  could start starving to death. These are intelegent human beings right? Like any other creature on this planet we are ingrained with the intinct to be able to go seek nuritment to keep our bodies running and whatnot. But then, like a fiery comet peircing the heavens these people die from being denied this basic fundimental feature of our human existance?

Here are a few theorys:

Modern man realized that these people had rare resources that it wanted then began obliterating their entire race in order to get what it wanted.

Modern lifestyles were suddenly the only acceptable form of perpetuating life. So, in order to enact this on the entire planet someone had to go fuck some shit up where people were still living freely without laws or whatever. Therefore destroying all alternatives to a system that does not rely on businesses to guide them through existance.

So lets say that people wanted to live without laws or social boundries or what have you. Instead they wanted to go survive in the wilderness in the harshest of climates. This is on a massive scale. Like at least 50,000 or so people up and decide to do this. What is the example of what would happen to their way of life? Africa? Would they all starve to death? Shit, africans have survived for thousands of years now suddenly they can’t even eat? This way of life doesn’t seem so appealing any more now does it.

How the hell does someone convice a bunch of people to comit genocide? I suppose that you would need a very convincing argument right? Now, clearly I am not a schollar. Nor will I really care about what is happening in our world today in a week. But there is one thing that never leaves my mind. The power to broadcast a single voice over thousands of miles is the most powerful weapon known to man. Yeah, I don’t know if I want to get into my anti TV tangent but I am talking about any kind of media.

Totally Random Thought:

Something about somali priates that makes me smile. Any group of people that risk their lives to unhinge a system that put their people in this kind of spot on the planet helps me beleive that we are not totally fucked. Sure, they got away with breaking international law then got themselves killed in the proccess. That sucks a whole bunch right. But the fact that spirit is alive somewhere on this planet gives me hope that at some point, everyone will realize how stupid of a system we live in.

If someone asked me if I would give up money for a life where the cumulitive resources of the world were available to everyone and the technology to bring these resources to everyone was just a single generation away, I would voulenteer on the spot. That and I would want to have a kid who could live in that world. As it stands now, I will never have children. Not as long some african kid starves to death while some greedy white guy tries to industrialize his ass.

April 28th, More of life

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling really great. I’ve met some new friends and gone on a few adventures with my roomate. Today kinda sucked for no reason at all but up until now I’ve had nothing but good times.

I’m moving in a few weeks. I found this really cool 4 bedroom house for me and my roomates to stay in. It is far better than this shithole that I’ve been staying in for the past year. Also it is a four bedroom house with three people sharing it. This means we have a bonus room for us to do whatever we want with it. If I could I would move today but I have to wait for the 15th to roll around.

Anyways, my roomate has started making videos and I would like to share them with you:

April 12th, The con

So this weekend was sakuraCon again. This year was so much more organized that last year. It seemed like it had been upgraded enough to seem like a completly different event than the previous two years that I’ve attended.  However, I feel that I didn’t have as good of a time this year. Still, a good time none the less. I had fun in unexpected ways and learned a thing or two on how to channel my old eccentric self  again without pissing everyone off or self destructing. There is something about being in a place as bizarre as an anime convention that allows one to be able to harness a special kind of creative energy. I suppose any gathering of people that attempts to grant the ability to do things that are normally unacceptable by the majority of the world can spark an altered perception of things. Stuff like that is important. I’m beginning to realize the true danger of monotony. Which has made me want to leave my home state to get a fresh start on life. However, I’m going to need some time to harness the skills it will take to survive such an endeavor.

Anyways, I’m not going to give a manifesto of what happend. It’s better that what happens at the con stays there. I have this new drive, I think for my ideas and my projects that I want to get going. I think I am done sitting around playing video games. There is not much to learn there. I feel like I need a new destination. I just don’t know what it is yet.

April 2nd, Birthday Blog

I’m sick. Thats all I wanted to post. On my 26th birthday I was sick. My throat is sore. My nose is plugged. My body is shaky. Standard issue. All I’ve been doing is sitting around watching anime and playing my favorite old PS2 games.

I remember playing these years ago on old CRT televisions thinking how cool it would be to play these on something that can do HD. Well, nowadays I have all of my consoles hooked up to my 1920×1200 monitor. Most of  these games support 480p only. Now I think they look to fuzzy for my spoiled eyes.

Later today I’m supposed to go and have dinner with my mother and sister but I really feel like canceling. I haven’t thrown a birthday party for myself in a long time. Next year for sure.

March 23rd, The great Sabbatical / New Holiday: Crisis Week

So I’ve decided to take a Sabbatical from playing video games for about a week. I put my PlayStations away and hid the icons to my PC games. It will be the only week where I can actually pull this off as my employment choices require me to play video games. I got a call from my old job saying they want me back on the 6th of April. Which is re-assuring. Also, I have an interview with another company that makes games on every platform that is very close to my house. To drive there would be kind of wasteful and lazy in my opinion. I really hope I get that job because everyone that I’ve talked to has complained that the overtime bedlam has begun already. Working 70+ hours a week with no days off. Something I’m not sure that I want to jump into just yet.

There are a ton of things that I want to get done in the next week. I really want to put in a ton of writing time for starters. I’ve got about 20,000 word written of my book that I expect will be at least 100,000 words. I want to finish it this year. By that I mean have a final draft ready to send to publishers. I am very surprised at myself so far for writing this much. I remember when I finished my 10th writing session and compiled all of my writing so far then ran it through a word count. When it was over 10000 I was just shocked. I knew I had to keep going with it and that I would be determined to finish. Ever since I was a small child I knew I would write a book some day. I just figured I’d have it done by now and it would have writen itself.

So I’ve decided that the week just before my birthday (April 2nd will be Crisis Week where I try do everything I wanted to do before turning whatever age it is that I am turning. I’ll be Twenty Fucking Six!!!!!!! I hate that. I was supposed to be a rockstar and OD before I got to this age.

Anyways here is the last few posts for my video bloggery.

March 16th, So bored it hurts.

I stopped the whole video blog thing like I stop most of my projects. I stop them because I lose interest when other people show interest. I really hate my creative work. I love it before it gets made and then when I finish it I hate it more than anything. It’s nothing but deafening waves of embarrassment. I feel that I am incapable of creating anything that I would find interesting for more than 2 second.

For instance today I started tracing faces of pictures that I pulled off of my Facebook friends pages. I started to trace over them to see if I was capable of drawing anything, even if it was just sitting in front of me as a guide. From there once the picture was done I was going to scan it then re-trace each line with random colors and add weird geometrical shapes in the foreground. After a while I stopped and figured my creepy voyeuristic side was getting the best of me. Again, waves of embarrassment before anyone had seen anything.  This isn’t really a problems so much as just a fact of life.

It’s sucks so much that when I have so much free time, I feel more distant from people than when I work all the damn time. I feel like this chapter of life has gone on too long and I need something brand new. I want to bail out into something completely different. Problem is that I am too afraid of diving outside of my comfortable little algorithm because it has worked out so well for me over the last few years. Like a trout that is just waiting for a hawk to snatch him out of a lake and drop him in the ocean clawed to death and suffocating from the salt.

There is one thing that I know I have to finish this year and that is my book. If nothing else I have to finish it. I’ve had a few people read chunks of it and I’ve given people plot synopsis of what I have figured out so far. People don’t really get it or like it much because it breaks a lot of rules. My book is not something that can be held back by any false limitations that anyone else makes up. It will be just what I make of it.

For some reason I never want children. I decided this a long time ago and every time I asses what I’m doing with my life and look at my ideal life situation, children are never in the picture. I somehow figured that my creative spirit would be my child in a way. I would just make some chuck of art that would live on after I died as some sort of proof that I existed rather than spiting out offspring. Also, I know I am not nearly responsible enough as I would like to be as it is more or less enough to take care of another being.  No wonder so many of my friends seem like they were tricked or convinced to raise children. I can only think of one scenario where I could have ended up living a conventional nuclear family lifestyle but I detonated that bridge a long time ago.

My mother sent me a text message asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied that I wanted my youth back. I some times tell people that I know what I want to be when I grow up, and that is to be a teenager again. People take that the wrong way all the time.  Mostly what I mean is being irresponsible, just playing video games, skateboarding all of the time, starting shitty punk bands, doing whatever it is I wanted at whatever moment it was. I rarely get a moment of satisfaction nowadays.

However, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will hate anything I create. I will even hate my book that I have had rolling around in my head for the last 10 years. When it done and its been read, I will hate every word. I like the idea, but in execution it just makes me sick.

Feb 18th, bike ride

Weekend

2 more

Feb 10th: Blarg

FEB 9th, …

100th Post

100 Posts!!

Feb 6th, The first

so I did some things today. Mostly my day was really boring. I tried really hard to give a shit about my work. Afterwords….

Feb 5th, Video blogstart

So here it is, the first of many video blogs about what I do while I am unemployed. Not that exciting…yet.