March 23rd, The great Sabbatical / New Holiday: Crisis Week

So I’ve decided to take a Sabbatical from playing video games for about a week. I put my PlayStations away and hid the icons to my PC games. It will be the only week where I can actually pull this off as my employment choices require me to play video games. I got a call from my old job saying they want me back on the 6th of April. Which is re-assuring. Also, I have an interview with another company that makes games on every platform that is very close to my house. To drive there would be kind of wasteful and lazy in my opinion. I really hope I get that job because everyone that I’ve talked to has complained that the overtime bedlam has begun already. Working 70+ hours a week with no days off. Something I’m not sure that I want to jump into just yet.

There are a ton of things that I want to get done in the next week. I really want to put in a ton of writing time for starters. I’ve got about 20,000 word written of my book that I expect will be at least 100,000 words. I want to finish it this year. By that I mean have a final draft ready to send to publishers. I am very surprised at myself so far for writing this much. I remember when I finished my 10th writing session and compiled all of my writing so far then ran it through a word count. When it was over 10000 I was just shocked. I knew I had to keep going with it and that I would be determined to finish. Ever since I was a small child I knew I would write a book some day. I just figured I’d have it done by now and it would have writen itself.

So I’ve decided that the week just before my birthday (April 2nd will be Crisis Week where I try do everything I wanted to do before turning whatever age it is that I am turning. I’ll be Twenty Fucking Six!!!!!!! I hate that. I was supposed to be a rockstar and OD before I got to this age.

Anyways here is the last few posts for my video bloggery.

March 16th, So bored it hurts.

I stopped the whole video blog thing like I stop most of my projects. I stop them because I lose interest when other people show interest. I really hate my creative work. I love it before it gets made and then when I finish it I hate it more than anything. It’s nothing but deafening waves of embarrassment. I feel that I am incapable of creating anything that I would find interesting for more than 2 second.

For instance today I started tracing faces of pictures that I pulled off of my Facebook friends pages. I started to trace over them to see if I was capable of drawing anything, even if it was just sitting in front of me as a guide. From there once the picture was done I was going to scan it then re-trace each line with random colors and add weird geometrical shapes in the foreground. After a while I stopped and figured my creepy voyeuristic side was getting the best of me. Again, waves of embarrassment before anyone had seen anything.  This isn’t really a problems so much as just a fact of life.

It’s sucks so much that when I have so much free time, I feel more distant from people than when I work all the damn time. I feel like this chapter of life has gone on too long and I need something brand new. I want to bail out into something completely different. Problem is that I am too afraid of diving outside of my comfortable little algorithm because it has worked out so well for me over the last few years. Like a trout that is just waiting for a hawk to snatch him out of a lake and drop him in the ocean clawed to death and suffocating from the salt.

There is one thing that I know I have to finish this year and that is my book. If nothing else I have to finish it. I’ve had a few people read chunks of it and I’ve given people plot synopsis of what I have figured out so far. People don’t really get it or like it much because it breaks a lot of rules. My book is not something that can be held back by any false limitations that anyone else makes up. It will be just what I make of it.

For some reason I never want children. I decided this a long time ago and every time I asses what I’m doing with my life and look at my ideal life situation, children are never in the picture. I somehow figured that my creative spirit would be my child in a way. I would just make some chuck of art that would live on after I died as some sort of proof that I existed rather than spiting out offspring. Also, I know I am not nearly responsible enough as I would like to be as it is more or less enough to take care of another being.  No wonder so many of my friends seem like they were tricked or convinced to raise children. I can only think of one scenario where I could have ended up living a conventional nuclear family lifestyle but I detonated that bridge a long time ago.

My mother sent me a text message asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied that I wanted my youth back. I some times tell people that I know what I want to be when I grow up, and that is to be a teenager again. People take that the wrong way all the time.  Mostly what I mean is being irresponsible, just playing video games, skateboarding all of the time, starting shitty punk bands, doing whatever it is I wanted at whatever moment it was. I rarely get a moment of satisfaction nowadays.

However, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will hate anything I create. I will even hate my book that I have had rolling around in my head for the last 10 years. When it done and its been read, I will hate every word. I like the idea, but in execution it just makes me sick.