June 20th, Things I wonder

I sometimes wonder ‘What the fuck? How is this possible!?!’

Right now is how the hell anyone survived in Africa where all those kids are starving and getting eaten by flies? When was it that suddenly an indiginous people  could start starving to death. These are intelegent human beings right? Like any other creature on this planet we are ingrained with the intinct to be able to go seek nuritment to keep our bodies running and whatnot. But then, like a fiery comet peircing the heavens these people die from being denied this basic fundimental feature of our human existance?

Here are a few theorys:

Modern man realized that these people had rare resources that it wanted then began obliterating their entire race in order to get what it wanted.

Modern lifestyles were suddenly the only acceptable form of perpetuating life. So, in order to enact this on the entire planet someone had to go fuck some shit up where people were still living freely without laws or whatever. Therefore destroying all alternatives to a system that does not rely on businesses to guide them through existance.

So lets say that people wanted to live without laws or social boundries or what have you. Instead they wanted to go survive in the wilderness in the harshest of climates. This is on a massive scale. Like at least 50,000 or so people up and decide to do this. What is the example of what would happen to their way of life? Africa? Would they all starve to death? Shit, africans have survived for thousands of years now suddenly they can’t even eat? This way of life doesn’t seem so appealing any more now does it.

How the hell does someone convice a bunch of people to comit genocide? I suppose that you would need a very convincing argument right? Now, clearly I am not a schollar. Nor will I really care about what is happening in our world today in a week. But there is one thing that never leaves my mind. The power to broadcast a single voice over thousands of miles is the most powerful weapon known to man. Yeah, I don’t know if I want to get into my anti TV tangent but I am talking about any kind of media.

Totally Random Thought:

Something about somali priates that makes me smile. Any group of people that risk their lives to unhinge a system that put their people in this kind of spot on the planet helps me beleive that we are not totally fucked. Sure, they got away with breaking international law then got themselves killed in the proccess. That sucks a whole bunch right. But the fact that spirit is alive somewhere on this planet gives me hope that at some point, everyone will realize how stupid of a system we live in.

If someone asked me if I would give up money for a life where the cumulitive resources of the world were available to everyone and the technology to bring these resources to everyone was just a single generation away, I would voulenteer on the spot. That and I would want to have a kid who could live in that world. As it stands now, I will never have children. Not as long some african kid starves to death while some greedy white guy tries to industrialize his ass.

April 28th, More of life

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling really great. I’ve met some new friends and gone on a few adventures with my roomate. Today kinda sucked for no reason at all but up until now I’ve had nothing but good times.

I’m moving in a few weeks. I found this really cool 4 bedroom house for me and my roomates to stay in. It is far better than this shithole that I’ve been staying in for the past year. Also it is a four bedroom house with three people sharing it. This means we have a bonus room for us to do whatever we want with it. If I could I would move today but I have to wait for the 15th to roll around.

Anyways, my roomate has started making videos and I would like to share them with you:

April 12th, The con

So this weekend was sakuraCon again. This year was so much more organized that last year. It seemed like it had been upgraded enough to seem like a completly different event than the previous two years that I’ve attended.  However, I feel that I didn’t have as good of a time this year. Still, a good time none the less. I had fun in unexpected ways and learned a thing or two on how to channel my old eccentric self  again without pissing everyone off or self destructing. There is something about being in a place as bizarre as an anime convention that allows one to be able to harness a special kind of creative energy. I suppose any gathering of people that attempts to grant the ability to do things that are normally unacceptable by the majority of the world can spark an altered perception of things. Stuff like that is important. I’m beginning to realize the true danger of monotony. Which has made me want to leave my home state to get a fresh start on life. However, I’m going to need some time to harness the skills it will take to survive such an endeavor.

Anyways, I’m not going to give a manifesto of what happend. It’s better that what happens at the con stays there. I have this new drive, I think for my ideas and my projects that I want to get going. I think I am done sitting around playing video games. There is not much to learn there. I feel like I need a new destination. I just don’t know what it is yet.

April 2nd, Birthday Blog

I’m sick. Thats all I wanted to post. On my 26th birthday I was sick. My throat is sore. My nose is plugged. My body is shaky. Standard issue. All I’ve been doing is sitting around watching anime and playing my favorite old PS2 games.

I remember playing these years ago on old CRT televisions thinking how cool it would be to play these on something that can do HD. Well, nowadays I have all of my consoles hooked up to my 1920×1200 monitor. Most of  these games support 480p only. Now I think they look to fuzzy for my spoiled eyes.

Later today I’m supposed to go and have dinner with my mother and sister but I really feel like canceling. I haven’t thrown a birthday party for myself in a long time. Next year for sure.

March 16th, So bored it hurts.

I stopped the whole video blog thing like I stop most of my projects. I stop them because I lose interest when other people show interest. I really hate my creative work. I love it before it gets made and then when I finish it I hate it more than anything. It’s nothing but deafening waves of embarrassment. I feel that I am incapable of creating anything that I would find interesting for more than 2 second.

For instance today I started tracing faces of pictures that I pulled off of my Facebook friends pages. I started to trace over them to see if I was capable of drawing anything, even if it was just sitting in front of me as a guide. From there once the picture was done I was going to scan it then re-trace each line with random colors and add weird geometrical shapes in the foreground. After a while I stopped and figured my creepy voyeuristic side was getting the best of me. Again, waves of embarrassment before anyone had seen anything.  This isn’t really a problems so much as just a fact of life.

It’s sucks so much that when I have so much free time, I feel more distant from people than when I work all the damn time. I feel like this chapter of life has gone on too long and I need something brand new. I want to bail out into something completely different. Problem is that I am too afraid of diving outside of my comfortable little algorithm because it has worked out so well for me over the last few years. Like a trout that is just waiting for a hawk to snatch him out of a lake and drop him in the ocean clawed to death and suffocating from the salt.

There is one thing that I know I have to finish this year and that is my book. If nothing else I have to finish it. I’ve had a few people read chunks of it and I’ve given people plot synopsis of what I have figured out so far. People don’t really get it or like it much because it breaks a lot of rules. My book is not something that can be held back by any false limitations that anyone else makes up. It will be just what I make of it.

For some reason I never want children. I decided this a long time ago and every time I asses what I’m doing with my life and look at my ideal life situation, children are never in the picture. I somehow figured that my creative spirit would be my child in a way. I would just make some chuck of art that would live on after I died as some sort of proof that I existed rather than spiting out offspring. Also, I know I am not nearly responsible enough as I would like to be as it is more or less enough to take care of another being.  No wonder so many of my friends seem like they were tricked or convinced to raise children. I can only think of one scenario where I could have ended up living a conventional nuclear family lifestyle but I detonated that bridge a long time ago.

My mother sent me a text message asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied that I wanted my youth back. I some times tell people that I know what I want to be when I grow up, and that is to be a teenager again. People take that the wrong way all the time.  Mostly what I mean is being irresponsible, just playing video games, skateboarding all of the time, starting shitty punk bands, doing whatever it is I wanted at whatever moment it was. I rarely get a moment of satisfaction nowadays.

However, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will hate anything I create. I will even hate my book that I have had rolling around in my head for the last 10 years. When it done and its been read, I will hate every word. I like the idea, but in execution it just makes me sick.

2 more

Feb 6th, The first

so I did some things today. Mostly my day was really boring. I tried really hard to give a shit about my work. Afterwords….

Feb 5th, Video blogstart

So here it is, the first of many video blogs about what I do while I am unemployed. Not that exciting…yet.

January 26th, Let simmer for

So I just finished session 8 of my book. You see I write in sessions so I can count how many times I’ve actually sat down and wrote. I try to do a minimum of 1000 words which doesn’t seem like a lot but I really want to keep my goals simple so I can feel more accomplished as I go. 50 sessions equals 50,ooo words at least and If I write every other day I will have my book mostly done before I turn 26. I am still kind of baffeled at why I’m doing this. I’m not sure if anyone would want to read this crap anyways. Or what will happen once I’m done. I suppose I shouldn’t worry about that until I’m done. I feel like I need to take a week off from work and go to my godparents river house for a week to just grind out a ton of it. I’d be away from any video games or computers (except the laptop I’d bring with me.) and people to distract me. It would just be me and the river.

Now I need to go apply for a job.

January 18th, Lucky

So this weekend has been amazing so far.

Friday night I went to a poker game that had 2 tables and 18 people. This was my first poker game of the year. Usually the game is filled with some all stars who rock at poker. This time it was mostly people from work plus a few hot shots that came with them. I played really tight for the first few hours until a few dumb moves got me into some trouble. I ended up getting almost blinded out. Suddenly I had a great hand when everyone at the table called me to take me out. I ended up quadrupling up that hand. Also sobriety was on my side as I had been chugging red bulls all night. Everyone else was drunk. I ended up coming in third due to me combining with a few power houses from the previous table. Eventually we just chopped the winnings. There was a second game but I ended up breaking even in that game. Overall I won 80 bucks. Not bad at all.

The next day I got up and prepared to host my friends birthday party. I printed out a bunch of pictures from his myspace to post all over the place. The night started out really slow then quickly picked up. This girl that I have know for a while suddenly took a liking to me. I showed her my room and we killed some time together without being too obvious. I got her number but she hasn’t called me back yet. Something tells me that it might not work out. She seems way outta my league but…we’ll see. I do think she is insanely way too attractive.

Then today I just cleaned my house and hung out with my sister as we talked about life’s dilemmas. I got done playing Mirror Edge and I fucking hate it and love it at the same time. It complements my computer quite nicely though.

January 13th, Loosing sleep again

Fuck.

My job again…

I was told on Monday that they wouldn’t be hiring again for at least another year. The last two days I’ve been stewing over it. This is after I was assured that I would get my chance again really soon. This also after I had told those same people that I would believe it when I see it. Regardless, this still sucks a whole lot. I need to have a talk with my boss about what I need to improve on or what else I need to learn and become proficient in. I hope the answer is nothing.

From there, I will take my mandatory 2 month break to collect unemployment and discover new horizons. There is no point in sitting at a job just to get a paycheck. It is murder on the soul. Part of me wants to self destruct over this but there isn’t any point in doing that either. It’s hard for me to believe that the economy is to blame for this when the company that I work for is making record setting profits at the moment.

I feel even more justified since I have also already applied for 6 jobs over the last week as a back up plan. That was only in the case that I was denied directly. There are so many things I wish I could be doing instead of being at my job. So many new aspirations that I have. I really need to take some time to embrace them even if it means that I crash a little. I am so bad at relying on my own determination though. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. Some sort of trophy at the end of my marathons.

I think I can sleep now because I know how I will react to this.

Thanks for reading.

January 8th, The dawn of a new title

So over the last few days I have been applying all over the country to jobs in my related field. These jobs are in far away places that I have never visited in my life but I am willing to take the risk just to see what is out there. Places like Washington DC, Edmenton, San Deigo, and Orlando. I have been working in the video game industry for over four years and I am really close to attaining a permanent status at the job that I am at now. However, there is nothing new to learn at my job really. Sure the experience is great but I can’t keep all of my eggs in this basket anymore. It is foolish not to want to see what else is out there. I really can’t wait to see what happens.

If you look at the blogs from exactly a year ago, I was extatic about finally getting a real chance at landing a perminant job. Then after I didn’t get it I failed to follow up on my plan to GTFO of that place waving my middle finger in the air as I pursued more interesting horizons. This time I have truly learned from my past and I have been taking all of the steps I said I would take in preparation for rejection.

Yesterday, I took a mental inventory of all of my stuff and what it would take to move across the country. I have lived in Washington my whole life and often wondered if I would ever leave this place. When I was a kid I really wanted to take a road trip around the country just to see what else was out there. Maybe I would find a place that I took a liking to and would remain there. I never got around to taking that trip and I really wish I had when I had the means to do so. Regardless, it leaves me in this frame of mind. I suppose there is some value in staying in one place your whole life. There is something very wholesome about it that I can’t really explain. Eventually you become a local relic to anyone who is new to wherever you are. You end up letting the new stuff just come to you instead of seeking it out.

January 3rd, Waste

After my furnace exploded I am confining myself to my room because of my handy space heater. Anywhere else is too cold. Now I’m gonna waste the rest of my time watching movies and playing video games.

2008…The year

89 posts, I really wish it was more. So many things happened this year. I have to say it was much better than 2007. I feel that I have truly grown  as a person this year. However this year has met far too many downs than ups. By that I mean it has been far more trajic than I ever would have hoped it to be…

Let me list the downs for the year…

1. Dad is dead.

2. Didn’t get the job I have dreamt of for so long.

3. Had to move out of one of the best houses I’ve ever lived in.

4. Broke up with a perfectly good girlfriend.

5. Gave up on suing landlord.

6. Amazingly poor luck with Jewish girls.

Ahh…that’s enough. However a few of these things were countered by some good things. Let me list them.

1. Switched departments at work and I am now much more satisfied with where I work.

2. Built my first computer.

3. Grew a beard.

4. Got a Snowboard.

5. Got a BMX bike.

I feel that this year was a year of learning experiences for something leading up to a great payoff of some sort. However I feel like there is so much more to do before I get there. A while back I wrote down the 10 things I had to do before I died. I decided that I should concentrate on one of those things each year. I’ve been thinking about which one of those things I need to dedicate next year to. The answer is that I need to finish my book. The one that I started when I was 15 and just last year decided to re-write. I just need to fucking finish the damn thing and stop worrying about how it will turn out. The truth is that I will hate it. It will be shit when I am done. At least I will have it done. And I will feel some sort of accomplishment. Chances are that I will need to write another book when I am done. Hopefully nothing remotely like a sequel as I will probably hate my self for not finishing my story in the first place.

Anyways… I am going to look back at all of my posts this year and decide whether or not I will continue this blog.